Slutty Halloween Costumes: A Challenge

Halloween: the one, or in the case of college kids more like three (us “opportunists” could find a way to stretch even Flag Day into a weeklong booze bender) nights a year when we all get free reign to dress up like complete idiots and funnel pumpkin flavored beverages in the name of……ghosts?  Sure, good enough excuse for me.  When we were kids, this was a holiday which inspired mass amounts of excitement for obvious reasons – free candy handed out to you by all those creepy neighbors whose lawns your parents warned you to stay off of all other 364 nights of the year (“Mommy?  Why’s this Snickers bar taste like cough medicine?”).

Now that we’re highly intellectual and mature college students however, we get excited for a completely different reason – girls finding new and creative ways to dress like sluts.  It’s the one day of the year when girls can dress as scantily as they please free of judgment from anyone.  Everyone is in the Halloween spirit, if you will.  It never fails to impress me all the ways these girls will find innovative ways to display as much cleavage as possible; showing no regard to the frightening symptoms of hypothermia that must have been sneaking up on them for the better part of six hours.  Good thing there’s a slutty dressed doctor over by the keg.  Kudos to you ladies.

Don’t get content with just dusting off your old cat or firewoman costumes that’ve been hiding in the back of your closets in between every Halloween though.  You’re gonna have to bring it if you want esteem, fame, or most importantly Instagram likes this year.  Because last year we may have had a new bar set.  A revolutionary slutty costume.  The Michael Jordan freethrow-line dunk of slutty costumes – forever changing how we judge slutty costumes.  The slutty Ebola patient/nurse costume (bedpan not included).  If you ladies can find a way to make a disease that literally rots your insides attractive enough where I’d want to be quarantined with you (wink, wink) then really there is no ceiling to this phenomenon.  That being said, I have a challenge for you.  Since Ebola patient is so last year (get with the program Africa), you all need a way to top it.  If you can make any of these following costume ideas sexy, well then I’ll… I actually have nothing to offer you here.  I’ll be pretty damn impressed though, and unless you’re a bear on a tricycle juggling watermelons that doesn’t happen very often.

  1. The Mucinex Man

What at first glance looks like an easily slutified costume design with the white tank top and plaid overalls quickly becomes more difficult when you realize you need to find a way to make your entire body look like its composed of green mucus.  Even during flu season, a challenge indeed.  Simply put, this dude is straight filth.  Looks like Danny DeVito with a briefcase trying to play the Hulk in some sort of disgusting animated series he would be perfect for.  On the plus side, he does have a wife.  This opens up the possibility for adorable matching couples costumes, as well as allowing us to picture them skipping down the aisle to ‘Cough Syrup’ by Young the Giant.

2. A Waffle

This one is difficult because it presents the biggest challenge to all things slutty: squareness.  Nothing sexy about squares.  Nothing.  Least sexy shape by a mile (rhombus being the sexiest if you were wondering btw).  Just tough to show any skin when you’re trying to pull off the whole four right angles thing.  Another added hurdle would be the maple syrup factor.  Having sticky hands after eating waffles fucking sucks, I can only imagine if you’re wearing them.  With Aunt Jemima as your wingman you’d be picking up everything at the party.  And by everything I mean everyone’s lint and loose cups as you walk by.  However, for those of you wishing to go from basic bitch to basic quadrilateral for the night, this could be the costume for you.
3. An Orc from ‘The Lord of the Rings’
When a full grown four foot nothing guy with pointy ears and giant hairy feet is a bigger sex symbol than anyone in your entire species, you’re probably not the first idea many girls have when trying to decide on a costume that’s going to woo Johnny from ACS class.  You are guaranteed to turn some heads though.  That’s what’ll happen when you look like the waterlogged corpse of Andy Rooney.  According to the wiki page I just now looked up on them, orcs are former elves who were mutilated and tortured by Dark Lords to develop the orc breed.  So dress as slutty as you like, you can just blame it on your Dark Lord Daddy issues.
4. Randy from ‘A Christmas Story’
I think the challenges with this one speak for themselves – layers on layers.  Being capable of surviving on Pluto and looking sexy rarely, if ever, go hand in hand.  Slutifying this one requires some damn slutty eyes, since that’s about all you have to work with here. If we’re looking for positives here, Randy looks like he’s got a great head start if he ever wanted to bust out a robot dance at a moment’s notice – always a show stopper at any party.  Worth a suggestion to your clumsy drunk friend, as the costume can double not just as a sexy way to grab attention, but also as a full body cast capable of surviving anything from a fall down the stairs to a massive nuclear attack on all of humanity.
So there you have it, a new slate of sexy costumes for the creative side in you.  Now it’s up to you to make these as slutty, skanky, and downright trashy as possible.  I want grandmothers to cringe nationwide.  I want talking heads on CNN aggressively questioning our morals and discussing why #sexyrandy was trending all weekend.  I want anarchy.  Basically, I want Halloween 2015.
Cheers, Thomas B Brady

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