500 Word (P)Review: Field Trip

You might have clicked this link thinking this will be a cute little retrospective about your elementary school days where you went to the planetarium with your class. It isn’t (but let it be known that to all that that trip fucking rocked, cutting class to lay in a comfy ass chair in a dark room? I’m in 10/10).

No, this is about how I’m being forced to go on a field trip for, wait for it, my GEOLOGY class. On a Friday afternoon, in the pouring rain. This will go down in history as the biggest force ever. This is pushing it. Seriously. Later today I will be getting on a large yellow school bus to go look at rocks in the rain. If that is not the most emasculating thing ever, I don’t know what is. A grown ass man going on a field trip to play with rocks.

Current Mood: 

Who let this happen? There needs to be protective legislation against this sort of treatment. For Christ’s sake, back in the 20’s everyone freaked out because a couple kids got black lung, worked 75 hour weeks, or lost a few fingers or an eye. Everyone made a big deal and, boom, Child Labor Laws. It’s 2015 and I’m being forced to go on a field trip on a Friday. Archaic and unlawful (probably).

Suck it up, Pussy. I bet you’ve still got Friday afternoons off

For those of you that are having trouble comprehending this, I’ll put it into perspective with a quick little power ranking:

Awful Shit that Happens to People

  1. Genocide
  2. World Hunger
  3. Field Trips on Friday Afternoons
  4. ISIS
  5. North Korean Labor Camps
  6. The New England Patriots
  7. Nicolas Cage continuing to Act (Seriously man cut that shit out)

Literally worse than ISIS. Yeah sure, I might not be getting beheaded, but its raining really fucking hard out there. And this is going to push back my very regimented system of preparation required for a Friday night out (It’s an intricate process, not gonna go into it here.) America was founded on the idea that you can do whatever the fuck you want as soon as you get out of work/ class on Friday. It’s a, to quote my boy Tommy Jefferson, “certain Unalienable Right”. What this means is that aliens do not have these rights no one can take this away from you, so what I’m getting at is this trip isn’t legal. It’s unconstitutional.

This field trip is seriously treading on me, and I’m not happy about it. It’s really fucking up the whole “Pursuit of happiness” thing that we all enjoy so much on Fridays.

To Recap:

  1. Fridays are awesome
  2. Rain and Field Trips on Fridays are not
  3. I learned how to make these cool numbered lists, that’s why there are two of them
  4. You have the right as an American to enjoy the fuck out of some weekend

So live it up this afternoon, drink a little, be lazy, watch netflix, make plans, hug your loved ones, and appreciate your freedom. Do it for me, your friend and author who is stuck going to Valley Forge to check out rocks for 3 hours later today.

Hope your weekend………………rocks. (I deserve to die after that trainwreck of a pun)


UPDATE: I would like to personally thank my personal friend Joaquin Phoenix, and the Hurricane that bears his name (I’m assuming he had something to do with it). For providing weather bad enough to cancel this atrocity of a field trip. The bus was steaming up worse than than that scene from Titanic.


It was steamy enough that the somewhat old and tired looking bus driver just said fuck it, called the whole thing off. So props to you Mr. Bus Driver, you magnificent son of a bitch, don’t blame you one bit for not wanting to spend your Friday driving to Valley Forge.

So there you have it, friends, happy weekend


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