Sheehan Fire Alarm Rant

Let me preface this rant with an apology for what will undoubtedly be a ridiculous, scathing, and probably incoherent account of the recent events in Sheehan Hall. Good. Glad we got that out of the way.

So as many of you might have noticed, there was yet another false fire alarm in Sheehan this morning at 1AM. The aggravating nature of this alarm was only exacerbated by the fact that it was the SECOND FUCKING ALARM OF THE DAY. Jesus H Christ Villanova, pull your shit together. Last week there was an alarm at 4AM, what the fuck is going on? And this might be seen as a bit of an overreaction, but it isn’t. If I’m getting out of bed at 1AM on a weeknight for anything other than a “Heyyyyy ;)” text, I’m going to be pissed right off.

My problem with this whole incident is not that the fire alarm keeps going off, I couldn’t really give less of a shit (Although it is SLIGHTLY IRRITATING). I am so unconcerned with these alarms, I’ve started sleeping through them. My real problem with the incident is that I’VE STARTED SLEEPING THROUGH FIRE ALARMS! For fuck’s sake, it’s a fire alarm! The fact that I am more accepting of a fiery and smoke filled death than leaving my bed in the middle of the night is probably troubling to some of you, but I’ve always assumed I’d go out in a blaze of glory, in this case it would’ve just been literal.

That sound, to most people indicates a high probability of an extremely painful death coming their way. But not me anymore, and this is my problem with the whole situation. The entire population of Sheehan has been desensitized to the sound of an alarm. Several people I talked to this morning just rolled over, and went back to sleep to the soothing sounds of the fire alarm. And it wasn’t just one alarm! There were five separate alarms. Now I’m no firefighter, but I’m vaguely aware of the fire classification system from a “One-Alarm Fire” to a “Five-Alarm Fire.” To put it this way, One Alarm = Burned Toast, Five Alarm = 

So realistically, people should’ve freaked the fuck out, but nope, nothing that hasn’t happened before here in Sheehan.

“Alright rookies listen up, if anyone plays music past the hours of 10PM, gets caught with a couple of beers, or has a fucking toaster in their room, they gotta get documented, we can’t have that, it would be an unsafe environment for students on campus….. oh, the fire alarm? yeah just keep ringing the goddamn thing, they’ll get used to it.”

-Excerpt from Public Safety Training Seminar

Its like that guy that uses the same joke over and over again, it’s amusing once or twice but after the third time everyone in the room wants to bludgeon him to death with whatever blunt object is in reach. The whole thing is especially aggravating when you consider the lunacy of having an alarm in every section of every hall in the first place. It’s a building made of a steel frame, cinder blocks, polyester carpets, and sheetrock ceilings. Sheehan isn’t exactly a huge fire hazard. Unless someone has been dumping jetfuel and C4 in the basement of Sheehan (would I be surprised at all? No.)

I mean realistically we don’t even need to do fire drills anymore! If you’re in a building like Sheehan and cannot figure out your location in relation to “outside,” you probably deserve to perish in a fire. (Is that too much?) I highly doubt that you would have survived in the wild up to this point anyway, so the fact that you got this far in the first place was a gift. (Definitely too much, I’ll try to stay away from Natural Selection jokes in the future)

A story from this past weekend illustrates the absurdity nicely. Weekend? Absurdity? Who would’ve thought?

Saturday Night 3:15 AM. Some poor bastard had projectile vomited (I mean PROJECTILE, the shit was everywhere) all over the floor in my hall, and that was a BIG deal. Pub safe was there, RAs were everywhere, it was essentially an active crime scene. My pragmatic self, who was just arriving at my door at that current point in time looked at the debacle and figured: “Well the vomiter isn’t passed out in or near his puddle, he was obviously in such a condition where he could drag his vomit covered self to whatever hole in the ground/ gutter he came out of, so no harm, no foul.” That wasn’t the case, it was Code fucking Black in this dorm and PubSafe and RAs were combing the hall because they wanted, presumably, to find the fucker (Unless they were just very interested in the former contents of his stomach and wanted to examine his diet that day, which, again, wouldn’t surprise me.)

However, cut to this morning at 1:30, when we’re all standing outside in the pouring rain twiddling our fucking thumbs because we have a rogue siren that hates us all ruling over our dorm. But this was no big deal, nothing new, business as usual for the PubSafe guy at the desk. To be clear, this is not an attack on the Paul Blarts of our campus Public saftey officers, the ones that I’ve interacted with (there have been a few) are legitimately interested in keeping us from doing stupid shit or killing each other with copious amounts of booze. A lot of them are pretty cool. The problem here is the extremely casual attitude we have towards this fucking alarm.

People get so concerned with the most menial shit on this campus. I can’t go three minutes without getting one of those “Wildcat Newswires,” the world could literally explode and I would still get those fucking things sent to me, to this day I have not read one (I’m pretty sure Drew Martin is the only one who does). They’re probably just as important as the messages from the Office of the President announcing the new Vice Chair of Lighting in the Theater Department. Thanks, I needed to know that. Let’s try this. Before worrying about any of that shit or the new Large Iced Coffees in Connelly we fix the fucking fire alarm.

in summation, lets chill on the whole “fire safety thing” and maybe not ring the bell 6 times a week, I need my sleep and God knows Pub Safe going door to door after a fire alarm doesn’t help. So Villanova, let’s try to get this thing locked down, or, at the very least, don’t pull my ass out of bed every time some two bit moron burns their Instant Noodles.

Disgruntled and tired,

Hamez

PS: The “steak sandwiches” in Connelly were labeled as “Containing fish.” Overall poor showing from the school today. Things are falling apart. I’m guessing it’s like T-Minus 3 weeks until martial law.

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