Mullet Monday

Mondays are tough, and universally hated. I think I speak for everyone when I say that we all need a pick me up right about now, and there’s no better afternoon pick me up than good hair. If there’s one thing I love more than sports, its great hair. So when the two coincide, that’s the kind of shit that will turn around even the worst Monday. So for everyone’s viewing pleasure, I give you the greatest mullets in sports history. Due to the strict journalistic standards I hold myself to, every word of the following article has been rigorously fact checked for historical accuracy.

Keith Hernandez

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Keith Hernandez, the poster boy of the absolutely savage “play hard, party harder” 80s Mets. Lotta nuance to this one. First of all, this shot of Uncle Keith was taken during the golden days of baseball when smoking was permitted in the dugouts. It is said that this wasn’t even Keith Hernandez’s hair, it was really panther hair that was growing out of his head. (Sex panther hair, to be clear) This picture was taken during Hernandez’s 1986 season where he led the Mets to victory over the Sox. The World Series win came with the help of this majestic mullet and massive amounts of cocaine consumed by keith and many of his teammates. This pronounced, yet refined mullet/ stache combo is a true masterpiece, and the best thing to happen to the Mets. Ever.

John Daly

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Yeah John ain’t doing too hot nowadays, what with the whole randomly collapsing on the course thing, but if you’ve earned the reputation that Daly has, these things are to be expected. Probably happens a couple times a week. Only two golfers have beverages named after them, Arnold Palmer and John Daly. Both are “Half and Half,” the Arnold Palmer being half lemonade, half tea, and the Daly being half Arnold Palmer, half booze. Daly earned the reputation as an absolute savage as well nickname “Long John” because of his incredible “driving distance.” Gotta respect the fuck you attitude of Long John here. Playing drunk and barefoot with this glorious golden mullet blowing in the wind is as punk rock as Professional Golf gets.

Randy “Big Unit” Johnson

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Most people falsely assume that the Randy Johnson’s nickname is in reference to his massive dick. The truth is that the nickname was bestowed upon him about his massive dick AND raging mullet. Look at that thing. Randy throwing straight venom with some lethal curls and a stache the likes of which the world has’t seen since. Randy is actually a pretty straight laced dude, but I think we all know that he was just playing to the cameras. I’m almost positive most of the 80s and 90s for the Big Unit was one extended Peyote Rodeo. The proof is in the mullet. This shot from his Montreal/ Seattle days capture the golden years of American Baseball. Unfortunately, the good old days are gone and mullets this fierce aren’t street legal anymore.

Barry Fucking Melrose

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Mullet City. Major props to Barry for showing that the mullet isn’t just a young man’s game. The former NHL player and King’s coach (and direct descendant of the Norse god, Thor)  also has the distinction of having the best hair on television, and makes those other fucks ESPN (looking at you, Pierre) look like foolish bald children. This vicious mullet scores so high due to the shiny, slicked front, and the feathered and lethal nature of the back. Barry’s grey mullet asserts his veteran status and reminds would be opponents of his lengthy tenure on the ice. Fuck with Barry and your ass is gonna get laid out, brutal open ice hit, end of story.

Jaromir Jagr and the Mullet that brought down the Iron Curtain (NSFW)

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I know its against the policy of this blog to post something so sexually explicit, (it completely isn’t, we have no such policy) but I’ll be a gentleman and let you get yourself cleaned up after gazing upon such a bitchin mullet. Jaromir Jagr showed up in the 1990 NHL draft and was the first professional hockey player to leave the Soviet Union to get drafted without defecting. That’s right, they let him go. Why, you ask? Because the Commies knew better than to fuck with dude who rocked such an electric mullet. Jaromir Jagr nicknamed his wicked hair “the Widowmaker,” after it allegedly killed 3 women back in ’93. Legend has it that Jagr threw out so much heat with this thing that the league made him shave it after winning back to back Stanley Cups in ’91 and 92′. He told them to go fuck themselves in his thick Czech accent. While the mullet is gone, the savage underneath remains, and was just in the news recently. After an 18 year old Czech model with whom he had slept with attempted to blackmail the legend with pictures she had taken, his response was literally “I don’t care.” That’s right, Jagr is still getting all the ass and giving none of the fucks.

Well that’s all for now folks. Hope we all learned a little something new today. And don’t worry, Friday is on the way

Hamez

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