After three weeks of lurking in the background of this blog while my co-author Art GarFUNKel plasters this site with questionable gambling advice, I decided it was a good idea to finally post something. Let’s start with some introductions.
My name is Hamez, I enjoy music, food, drinking with my friends, and slowly spiraling down into the life of a complete and utter burnout. I wasn’t always this way, and it is probably a result of the beautiful college life that we have all cultivated.
However, seeing as that it is only September, there are youngins out there who haven’t had the same sort of life experience that brings about this decline in morals and standards of living. So, for those of you who are unexperienced in the art of living cheap and dirty, here is the list of the most important lessons I learned during my first year of college:
Flasking a bar is scummy, but you’re not above it. (I know because you haven’t stopped reading this yet.)
$2 Pints of Lion’s Head are the cheapest night out you will ever have.
Most people don’t remember exactly where the cue ball stopped after that last shot, cheat accordingly.
Related: Drunk people love to bet, especially if it involves them acquiring more alcohol.
If you can steal it, don’t buy it.
Hitchhiking is a perfectly acceptable mode of transportation.
It is actually possible to go 48 hours without eating or sleeping, but you’re going to want to kill yourself by the end of it.
Train tickets and group cab fare is essentially optional if you’re discreet enough.
A cold PBR-Orange Juice is the best hangover cure on a hot day, and an Irish Coffee is the best on a cold one.
$10 is a lot to pay to get into a party, be sure to get your money’s worth (I’m talking property damage, stolen goods, and large amounts of beer)
Always have a quick exit strategy.
NEVER put your drink on a pool table
Dorm life is not too far from prison, while there is less non-consensual sodomy, cigarettes, alcohol, condoms, food function in essentially the same way real legal currency does.
You CAN fit an ice luge in a mini fridge’s freezer.
Don’t drink shit that isn’t yours, surprisingly this one doesn’t just apply to the ladies, my roommate and I have gotten rufied a total of 3 times this year.
As bad of a person as you might think you’ve become, on your campus, there is someone much, much worse.
Drink enough coffee and you don’t really need to eat. You stop being hungry. And you don’t need to worry about the freshman 15
All of the sudden waking up and having to think for a few minutes about what happened the night before is exhilarating.
“Emergency Exit- Alarm will sound” signs are there for a reason.
Hygiene is important, but expensive products are not. Good toothpaste and bar soap will save a lot of money for that bar tab coming up this weekend.
After a hard week of work, a cold beer on a Friday night is essentially the best feeling ever.
Don’t sleep with your female friends…..Or do, I won’t judge.
Two bottles of water at the end of a night out is the best thing you can do for yourself.
Clear alcohol is for the weak, flavored alcohol is for the women, and fruity mixed drinks are actually delicious sometimes (ONLY when in close proximity to a beach). Otherwise, stick to beer and whiskey (wine with meals is cool too, but only red)
Don’t wear shorts to a bar. (Again with the beach thing)
Wash jeans like once every 1-2 weeks. They don’t really get dirty. As long as you look clean and smell nice, anything goes.
Do all your laundry in the same load on cold, these colors don’t run motherfucker.
Chinese and Mexican Restaurants are essentially international waters, once again anything goes.
On the subject, Tequila shots are the best way to end the night naked, in a gutter, or dead somewhere.
When it comes to women, come up with a system that works for you and stick to it. Your friends will think you’re a sociopath, but that’s because you are.
The Blazer/ Tshirt Combo works surprisingly well.
Call home often, if your only communication with your family is the bar tabs you’re sending home via the credit card bill, there will be some questions asked over Easter Break.
If you don’t know what to put on the jukebox, Bruce Springsteen is the way to go, if anyone bitches, they’re a Communist piece of shit.
When it comes to hats, wear them forward. Unless you’re drunk.
BAC is directly proportional to the number of unbuttoned buttons that are acceptable, display chest hair accordingly.
Never let the desire for sleep outweigh the desire for a good time, sleep when you’re dead.
The quickest way to someone’s heart is the stomach, the genitals, or between the 3rd and 4th rib, depending on the situation.
The kids that bike everywhere on campus don’t deserve the same basic human rights granted to others.
If there is no picture evidence, it never really happened; deny until you die.
The walk home from the bar is the modern day Oregon trail, you never know what will happen, and there’s a fair chance everybody isn’t gonna make it. The chances of dysentery are probably the same.
Some of the best weekends should never be spoken of again.
The final thing I’ve learned is that I love the life I live, despite its negative effect on my health and society in general.